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When Dad Hurts Mom, by Lundy Bancroft
Free PDF When Dad Hurts Mom, by Lundy Bancroft
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In this groundbreaking book, a leading expert on domestic abuse and its effects turns his unique perspective on the littlest victims of spousal abuse-the children.
More than two-thirds of abused women have children, and the overwhelming majority of those children witness one or more incidents of violence. And that number would be even greater if we include children who have watched their mothers be verbally abused and intimidated. Studies have shown that children's exposure to domestic abuse is linked to virtually every category of emotional and behavioral problems.
When Dad Hurts Mom offers comfort, understanding, and a concrete plan of action to any woman concerned about the distress being caused to her children by her angry, controlling, or abusive partner. Written for mothers, this book aims to enlighten women about the effects of abuse on children, how an abusive partner distorts familial relationships, and what can be done about it.
Abused mothers are desperately seeking guidance on how to help their children heal from the abuse they witness. This is the first book to provide these women with the insight, support, and, most important, the solutions they need.
- Sales Rank: #1218950 in Books
- Published on: 2004-03-30
- Released on: 2004-03-30
- Original language: English
- Number of items: 1
- Dimensions: 9.36" h x 1.26" w x 6.26" l,
- Binding: Hardcover
- 384 pages
From Publishers Weekly
Nearly three-quarters of women who are chronically mistreated by their partners have children. In this sensitive, respectful book, counselor, speaker, trainer and activist Bancroft (Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men) gives those women ways to help their children heal from the pain of seeing such abuse. Using anecdotes, Q&As, bulleted "points to remember" and a caring but firm tone, Bancroft tells abused mothers exactly what actions they should take to help their children. Don’t blame children (or yourself), he says, and let children know it’s good to talk about the verbal or physical abuse they’ve been exposed to. Bancroft coaches moms to tell their children abuse is wrong, but warns them not to criticize the abuser as a person if he is a father-figure to the children. Bancroft’s important book addresses peripheral issues, too, such as the effects of separation and divorce, and dealing with child protective services and the family court system.
Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved.
From Booklist
Bancroft draws on 16 years of counseling men who abuse women and as a custody evaluator and child-abuse investigator to offer sound advice to women who are abused by their partners and are concerned about the impact on their children. Without judging women in abusive situations, Bancroft emphasizes that they are in the best position to help their children heal after witnessing abuse. She begins by describing how children view abuse from verbal put-downs of their mother to physical abuse and how their conflict and confusion manifest in a range of symptoms from sleeping and eating disorders to underperformance in school. She ends each chapter with action guidelines for women called "What Can I Do?" Bancroft analyzes the pros and cons of deciding whether to stay with or leave an abusive partner and offers coping strategies that include teaching children to be open about their feelings and devising a "safety plan" of escape if necessary. She also offers advice on choosing therapists and support groups, and practical skills for rebuilding the family. Vanessa Bush
Copyright © American Library Association. All rights reserved
Review
Bancroft writes with authority. He spreads his passion on this subject to his readers, encouraging them to get involved... -- Cleveland Plain-Dealer, March 7, 2004
Most helpful customer reviews
13 of 14 people found the following review helpful.
Finally someone who gets how harmful an abuser is to children, even when not physically abusive
By Melissa
This is one of my first Lundy Bancroft books and I found it to be so helpful. I have a young child with an abusive partner and was looking for some guidance in how to raise him and help him get past the trauma of living with an abuser. This book put some of his behaviors in perspective, and is also reassuring and caring of what mothers are going through in this situation (rather than re-victimizing the abuse survivor as tends to happen over in over in court proceedings). It focuses as much if not more on verbal, emotional abuse as it does physical, which is helpful when so many people don't seem to get that just because someone doesn't beat you or your children doesn't mean they aren't doing immeasurable harm. The only negative I would say is I was looking for more information/guidance on what to do when the abuser is also abusing the children, or has abused the children, and they are still forced to spend time with the abusive parent. But this book focuses on the children "witnessing" abuse, not being abused themselves. I didn't take off any stars for that because the title is very clear that this book is about the abuse of the mother, and he does say that abusers who abuse their spouse typically do abuse the children too. I just wish he would have gone more into that aspect. Maybe that's in another of his books, I will certainly be reading more of them. This was a great first step for me, I'm so thankful to have found this book. Gave great advice on how to discuss the abuser and abuse with your children, without badmouthing the other parent or even directly discussing him (and therefore risking being accused of parental alienation). If you are a parent who lives with or has left an abusive partner, you need to read this book. If you are a mental health care practitioner, a divorce lawyer, a guardian ad litem, a family court judge - you need to read this book.
6 of 6 people found the following review helpful.
How to help yourself to help the kids beyond a bandaid.
By CatRNell
Not just for mom. This book is great for family members and adult friends in the dynamics of day to day. Gets clogged at times with stories of others. Keep notes for points to share and reminders. Get some stickies to flag pages of interest. Dad doesn't hurt just mom he garners the attention of others who love mom and the kids so much more than he ever will.
8 of 8 people found the following review helpful.
Awesome tool to help you help your kids heal.
By Anonymous
A must read for a mom who is a victim of domestic violence. Whether you want to believe it or not, your kids have been affected by the violence you have experienced. Gives helpful tools to help you help your kids heal. Awesome!
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